Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
You Might Also Like
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.