[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
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“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
🏙👨🏼
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣