Watermelon Boss!
You Might Also Like
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”