It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
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“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.