I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
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“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Something Saturday.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
i smell a pulitzer
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.