Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
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The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
mood
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
“you recording!?”