me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
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Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.