“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
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sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.