[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
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Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Always a metermaid never a meter
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.