Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
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Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
huge if true: the moon
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
If a snake ate a cake
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!