When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
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Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
There is no “we” in pizza