A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
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[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!