My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
You Might Also Like
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.