Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
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[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.