Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
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Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Sign at work today
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame