Trumpy Cat
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When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?