i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
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me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?