i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
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Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell