How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
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Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”