FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
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If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.