Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
You Might Also Like
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Trying
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
The struggle is real
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”