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I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.