Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
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Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg