One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
You Might Also Like
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates