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I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”