Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
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horrifying if literal: the electric slide
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
uncle dave has been through hell
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”