Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
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Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
April 1st is the class clown of days.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.