If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
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Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.