‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
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I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
How to draw a duck
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
reduce, reuse, recycle
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.