Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
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I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.