friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
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I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant