Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
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Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?