When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
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[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Running from your problems is cardio .
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
OH. COME. ON.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
That 👊
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.