Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
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Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Yes
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
just pretend nothing happened