mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
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Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I’m calling the cops.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.