Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
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Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.