Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
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cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant