Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
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Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.