Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
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WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I’m sorry…what?
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.