Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
They also CAN sing✌️
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
No. YOU-buprofen.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.