“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
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Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?