I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
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“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
got so much cardio in today
*jingles half the way*
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?