A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
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I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Delightful if true: booby trap.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Friday
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime