Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
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Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.