Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
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when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud