mathematically impossible
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Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I was bored.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.