*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
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Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.