cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
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The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.