Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
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This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Sorry not sorry.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do