This is amazing.
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Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
i’m still crying at this
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine